Up North Progressive

So, you’ve decided to run for public office. Wonderful. You’ve committed the next 12 to 24 months to campaign staff strategy meetings, public appearances, media interviews, and meeting your future constituents face-to-face. It would help if you listened to what they had to say.

That means time spent knocking on doors, holding coffee cloches, meet and greets, attending events, etc. You will have little time for family as you travel to every township hall, political party office, holiday parades, tables at the fair, and fundraisers. Especially fundraisers.

The modern political candidate’s platform includes an online presence. It’s unthinkable even to consider a campaign without an internet platform. This is where you will outline your background, a list of issues you will focus on once elected, endorsements from organizations (lots and lots and lots of questionnaires), keep future constituents informed about your campaign, public appearances, and contact information so people can volunteer to help. You will need lots of help.

An online platform consists of a website, a secure email client, a dedicated campaign email address, and accounts on as many social media platforms as you can manage. You will likely need a team of tech-savvy folks to work that part of your campaign.

But once you have that all set up, you’re ready to rock. Here’s a list of all the neat things you can do with your online platform:

Please make sure the person running your social media is such a self-centered, narcissistic egomaniac they make Donald Trump look magnanimous. This will be important when said pathological narcissist uses your social media to promote and stroke their ego, post the same nonsense on your platform they post on theirs, and even use the account that has your name on it to troll and flame-war anyone who disagrees with them. If people who encounter your social media were on the fence about who to vote for before, they sure as hell will make their choice now, thanks to your online platform manager. Bonus tip: When your egomaniac social media volunteer blocks party members from seeing your social media, the votes for you will reflect that professional move.

But that’s what your campaign staff can do for you. What about you? How can you use social media to win the hearts and minds of your voters?

Scroll through future constituents’ posts with your judgmental attitude dialed to eleven. When you find a post you disapprove of, leave a profanity-laced comment on it to let the author know how much you support their content.

Afterward, head over to your social media profile and let your inner Karen bloom into a rant about how disgusted you are with people sharing content with their families and friends. Stomp all over that proud parent’s offspring’s accomplishment, comparing it to the Palestinian genocide. Sarcastically include a droll comment about learning how to hunt for when the zombie apocalypse begins. Kill all the joy registered voters felt; after all, you’re running for political office. This will establish rapport with voters who will not forget your unsolicited opinion when they go to the polls.

Remember, you only need a majority of votes cast to win. How you run your online platform – the part of your campaign outreach that will provide the first and most lasting impression of your candidacy with most voters – will be the part that will make or break your hopes of winning the election. Choose wisely.