Up North Progressive

Attorney General Dana Nessel announced today in Lansing that former Michigan State House Rep Todd Courser (R – Probably still grousing about the seats) finally plead no contest to Willful Neglect of Duty by a Public Officer. He now faces sentencing on September 16, 2019, where he could receive a fine of $1000 and up to a year in prison. There isn’t a more deserving jerk than good ole “Let them eat Hamburger Helper” Todd.

Todd Courser’s ability to fictionalize his political career began during his campaign in 2014 when he fabricated a story that “somebody” posted fliers all over Lapeer that he was a child molester. Claiming a phantom police report and the authorities would soon get to the bottom of it, Courser defeated his Democratic opponent by 300 votes. Todd Courser and tea party cohort Cindy Gamrat (R-Cutco knives made me the person I am today) wasted no time once they were sworn into the State Legislature with their Contract for Liberty promoting things like freedom to worship (Christian only), all taxes are theft, Life begins as soon as a gleam appears in daddy’s eye, and Common Core will make our children gay.

By the summer of 2015, strange text messages appeared threatening to expose Courser and Gamrat because they were more than just Knights of Christ United in Faith fighting liberalism on the floor of the Michigan State House, they were lovers united by the true love of freedom and lunchtime foot rubs between scarfing McDonald’s french fries.

Suddenly, Todd had to do something to save his job legislating freedom and forcing staff to keep weird hours that made no sense except for spending after hours with Cindy working for Michigan’s 82nd State House District. His mind churned turgidly fabricating something so crazy nobody would believe it, well, some would believe it, yes, of course, they will, maybe, it would distract everyone from the truth. Courser decided to make up an elaborate lie about himself that would prove he wasn’t having an affair with Gamrat because he was too busy being addicted to porn, a flaming homosexual, hired male prostitutes and had sex with them in filthy alleyways behind bars in Lansing, and why not, throw child molester back into the pile as well.

And then we all remember what happened after that.

Today Todd finally did the right thing for once in his ridiculous life and now faces the punishment he deserves.

“Today’s decision by Todd Courser to plead no contest to a one-year misdemeanor may be the wisest decision he has made in years. This case has had a long, torturous history and his decision to acknowledge responsibility for his actions is long overdue.”

Our Attorney General is right, but what most normal people don’t realize is for people like Todd Courser it’s perfectly fine for Christians like him to lie, cheat, have affairs, and insist he needs to stay in office as God intended. Fundamentalist religious fanatics like Courser and Gamrat believe they’re serving a higher purpose for God, therefore they can break as many of God’s commandments as they want as long as there are no more homosexuals, all pregnancies come to full term no matter what, and everyone is just as zealous as they are.

Good riddance, Todd. If there is a merciful God, may this be the last time anyone in Michigan ever has to hear your name mentioned ever again.